Jeff Brookmyer Bass / Free Beer

Free Beer Bass player Jeff Brookmyer has a history of confrontation with so called "Authority Figures".  His exploits are hilarious, allowing Jim Edelman to say "I want to know who is going to play the part of you in the movie about your life!" Below is the story of Jeff's trip to Canada for work. For your notes ... The Chicken is Jeff's nickname for his beat up Pontiac Sunbird that he drives during the winter. The Garbageman is his brother who he believes belongs to an international order of Garbage men who are much like the mafia and can "throw someone out" if they don't like them.

Subject:        My trip to Canada


I had a exciting day visiting our Canadian friends on the other side of the river.  I was told to go and help out at a dyno lab in Windsor.  I knew that I needed either a passport or my birth certificate.  I went through the trouble of even calling my momma the night before to maybe arrange picking up my birth certificate from her but it seems that she is trying not to claim any relation to me by losing my birth certificate and keeping no proof that she is indeed my beloved momma.  Gotta love her, she is a sweet old lady.  

So, I felt brave and attempted to get across the border on the I.D. that I had.  I figured if I drove the mighty Chicken then there was no chance that any Canuck would dare mess with me.  So, over the bridge the Chicken flew and she pulls into the little booth thingy.  I have heard some people say that Canada does not have the population of inbred red neck hillbillies that we have here in the states but after meeting this guy in the booth I disagree.  He was a fine looking fellow who obviously was not intimidated by the awesome rumble of the Chicken.  

He asked for my info so I gave him what I had and that's when the guy (whose name must have been Adolf or something not far from...) went insane.  He seemed to think that all Americans believe that we do not have to follow the rules.  I know this because he was kind enough to tell me.  "You Americans think you have the right to be in Canada", he added to his American bashing.  I wanted really bad to tell him that I had almost $10 American money in my wallet, which I think is enough to buy pretty much all of Ontario. 

He grabbed a handful of papers and asked me what those were.  How the hell do I know? I told him I don't know.  He said that these are the people that OUR American customs guys would not let into America.  He then threw them around his little booth like a 6 year old who has just polished off a couple of Big Slam bottles of Mountain Dew.  He then asked what I was going to Canada for.  I told him I was going there for work.  He wanted to know why a company would hire someone as irresponsible as me?  I told him that I guess I did not know.  He wanted to know why I did not bring the proper ID.  I told him that I actually did not have it.  He hit me with a great line after that, "You must have been living in a cave with Bin Laden all this time then."  No, I don't recall ever living in a cave anywhere nor do I have a close relationship with our favorite terrorist buddy Osama Bin Laden.  

At this point even though he was VERY entertaining to watch throw his little tantrum I was getting bored.  He informed me that I am the ONLY guy to have not had the proper ID today.  Wow, I guess I literally am one in a million then huh buddy?  Anyway he got yanked pretty hard at me when he wanted to know what my employer was going to do to me when he sent me back to the States.  I told him that like myself that they will care less.  This comment was not to his liking.  

I wanted to tell him that in less than 20 minutes he and his little customs booth will be in the back of a garbage truck never to be seen from again.  Garbage men...Silly Canuck did not realize that my brother is a trash man and has access to a world wide network of garbage men.  

Anyway, off to Immigration I went...A simple instance of my luck, I walk in there and there are only two people working, good looking tall blonde, and goofy Canadian guy.  Of course I get taken care of buy goofy Canadian guy who was actually pretty cool, but unfortunately was not the tall blonde.  I am sure deep down in side she sensed the awesome coolness of me and my high performance Sunbird and was just to awe-struck to talk to me.  Anyway, he took all my ID and sent me to my car.  

I went out there to watch the dogs sniff their way through some other people's car. The dogs dig wander around the chicken but I think the fierce appearance of the chicken kept the dogs away from her.  Some large Canadian woman was talking to me while I waited to find out if I had to go to some strange Canadian Jail and bunk up with some dude name Jean Luke Francois.  In about two sentences she amazed me with the way she was able to incorporate the word "Ey" into those two sentences about 6 times.  She was special.  

After that I was freed to return to the states.  Thank god.  So there you go, another reason why I think Canada is silly.  All in all though the psycho customs dude was worth the toll money to get over the bridge and back.  That's cheap Canadian entertainment.

Gee fella's, can we play that Bare Naked Ladies song again????   Oh Canada...god help that country...

Back to the Free Beer Home Page